My brother

I dont know how to start this blog.....Perhaps it's the hardest blog of them all, because anyone can read it......and some people dont know this. But as, I was getting ready for bed I had a sudden urge to write this blog about my brother. There is a select few of you that know the entire story of my brother..... My Si-Si. My best friend until I was 13. Josiah was the one I looked up to. Nearly 4 years older then me I always thought he had all the answers. At four I followed him around begging him to play with me. He used to scare me away with tales of Big Bad Evil Poussums and i'd run in crying. We used to fight over the last fruit rollup. I used to get so mad because he usually got it because he was "low". I remember how mad I would be because he learned to bite himself then show my mom the mark claiming "JENNA BIT ME MOM!" I also remember the "Good Ole Days" when we would spend hours playing legos and going to my mom to ask if they had "Plums in the olden days?" He taught me to climb trees, and build forts....until his friends were around then he handcuffed me to the lawn chairs. As I grew older, I still looked up to him so much no matter how much we fought sometimes! He taught me to play basketball, and we'd spend hours playing Horse, and trying to dunk.....seeing who could jump higher and comparing who was taller. When he was 13, I remember he got his first girlfriend. Thing was he wasnt allowed to date until he was 16.....I knew about it and I kept my mouth shut. He told me about his crush on our neighbor and I told him about my dolls....and kittens. When I was 11 I really started telling him everything, we used to talk everynight for hours about everything. We made up stories about WHAT-IFs and he used to tease me about marrying Aaron Carter. I learned alot of stuff I didnt want to know from him and his friends......but I was always around. I hung with the older guys, and they just kinda accepted me as their basketball buddy....their friend. I remember our punch drunk sunday nights.....we we had gone all weekend without sleep and i'd look at books and laugh my head off and he'd sit there and laugh at me. There was problems even then.......I remember when I was 7, He tried to commit suicide the first time. Yeah he was 11. He actually hung himself out second story window and then panicked and told me to go get mom.....My mom said I came downstairs and said "Momma....Is Josiah suppose to be hanging out the window?". You see Josiah has diabtes and severe depression even at 11.....and he didnt think life was all that great.....even then. Right after I turned 13 my mom had put Josiah in a GED program. At this time, we were still friends. I had his back when I found out about the music he was listening to that he was NOT suppose to. I promised to never ever tell.....Well he came back everyday from this GED program everyday with all kinds of interesting stories about the kids in his class and how most were dropouts and how they were into drugs. I never dreamed my brother would get sucked into that......so I laughed about how retarded they were right along with him. I remember him saying drinking should be outlawed. I dont know when it was when he first came home smelling like smoke, and I didnt say anything, and my parents never noticed. I dont even remember when it was when I got him to confess to me, that him and his friend had smoked pot......I remember he said he'd never do it again though. I dont remember when it was, that I realized he was lying.....I just remember knowing, and him knowing I knew.......I also remember I never told my parents because I was scared for him, and for what would happen to him. I remember the day my momma found out.....he was at school and she took me aside and told me she found drugs in room and asked if I had any idea about it......I lied, and said NO! When he got home there was alot of drama and he lied too saying I didnt know.....that he would have never let me know. He then promised he wouldnt do it again and after alot of trouble my parents let it slip......I think it was about a month later when I realized he HADNT stopped.....by then our relationship was wounded majorly. I stayed away from him, and he stayed away from me. I would cry in my room at night, and everytime he talked about moving out I would spend hours writing in my journal about how much i'd miss him! I remember the second time my parents caught him.....my dad told him he had to stop or leave......he chose to leave. He moved in with a friend. It was weird without him for awhile, but I started getting used to it, and he came to visit and i still kept my distance. then his friends dumped him and he was back......I was mad too......and then he was gone again because he couldnt get rid of the sinful stuff he did and my parents didnt want that around thier other children. By this time his temper that he had always had, had gotten alot worse. He was always threatening suicide! the second time he moved in, I learned to hide, and he learned to hate me because I couldnt be nice anymore. He would tourture me....making fun of my friends are calling them "prissy little christian virgins" I remember how upset I would get and how id tell my mom and she'd just cry. He started bugging me so much that I would literally lock myself in my room when he was home, until he left. If he was going to be home and my parents were going to be gone, I made sure I was with them. I refused to be home alone with him. My parents started refusing to leave my brothers with him after he tried throwing chairs at people. He took over the TV, and the computer, and the food, and everything else! Everytime he moved out I was SO happy, telling my mom to please please please make him stay gone because I couldnt take the fear of what he would do.......But my parents ALWAYS let him come back. A few months before we moved my mom had to call the police because he was going to insane.....I remember me and my brothers locked in my parents room crying while he screamed how he just wanted to die.......I will never forget how......bad I felt for him. I just sat there thinking how there was NOTHING I could do......nothing at all. Once he threatened to stab my mom......thats one time he was kicked out.....for a whole week.....By this time he was really into drinking and Pot......and it kept getting worse. When we moved he made the decision to stay in Oregon......with His gang (that he was actually in) I remember hugging him goodbye and all I felt was relief........But it took about a year of being away from him to start really missing him. I dont miss his problems......no i dont miss him flipping me off everytime my mom turned her back.....I dont miss his language. I dont miss his drug problem....I dont miss the way he threw stuff.......But I miss my childhood friend. I miss him,and I really pray for him to change. He claims God never did anything for him so why should he believe in God.......I dont get that.......God did so much for him!!!!

Now I only talk to him through myspace......a myspace that talks of every drug in the world......and its true he's into hard drugs now......a myspace that claims, porn to be his fav tv......and then a myspace that claims jesus to be his hero......I dont get that at all..........

But I'm not giving up. It's a miracle he's even still alive today. He has been in the hospital so many times, and beat up so many times, and in so many fights. He lives in gang land portland.....believe me not a great place to be in the day let alone at 2 in the morning when he gets off work. But no matter what he did or said to me......I still love my brother. Now sometimes he calls and I cant understand a word of his weird language that he speaks now......hood talk or whatever the heck it is......But when he hangs up I understand -I love you sissy......and it makes me cry more then anything else.

I love my brother. I really do.

Please pray for him.

Jenna